Numb

Everywhere I go
Every smile I see
I know you are there
Smilin back at me
Dancin in moonlight
I know you are free
Cuz I can see your star
Shinin down on me
Though times it seems
Like I'm coming undone
This walk can often feel lonely
No matter what until this race is won
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies
No matter what I face this I know in time
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
You'll take all that is wrong and make it right
Your strength is found
At the end of my road
Your grace it reaches to the hurting
Still through the tears and the questioning why
I will stand my ground where hope can be found
I will stand my ground where hope can be found

Oh, O'Lord O'Lord I know You hear my cry
Your love is lifting me above all the lies


He is being so emotionally abusive. He said why don’t you just kill yourself. You are so fat that’s why I don’t want to go anywhere with you I’m embarrassed to be seen with you so fat and ugly. I told him I’m never going to kill myself you don’t control that only god and he will give it to you are being demonic and evil and you have no emotions and no heart. I feel like I’m getting numb to this abuse and it’s getting worse for me and the kids hear also. He’s escalating first he says he’s going to divorce me now he’s saying I should kill myself. 

I get no love and no empathy it’s going to be 7 year anniversary in a week and I feel so cold and unloved. 
I get belittled on a daily basis for everything from not having a job to  not being good enough not thin enough not clean enough not doing enough for Kids not taking care of the kids enough not saving enough etc etc etc. 
I know I suffer from depression I’m trying desperately to not get in a negative headspace but he is shoving me in that direction as hard as he can. He doesn’t give a rats ass about me his heart is so hard and cold towards me I don’t know how he became this person. My instinct is to numb and shut down and ignore And run away from the chaos that is my life. 

But I force myself to stay in it with him and because i of my kids I will not allow myself to get back to that dark place he wants me to go. I know my kids deserve more love and empathy and I’m the only one to give it to them. I have to do my best to validate how they feel and shield them the best I can from the ticking time bomb that is this house. 

There is also a strong stubborn side of me that will not quit that will not give in to him and his bulling controlling abuse. I will not lose weight to please him. I will not get a job to please him. I will not do things he says to please him. I refuse to be controlled and abused and told what to do. He can either love me for who I am or not I am not going to change myself for him. I will choose to love myself and accept myself any weight anyway  I am because god love me for
Me as I am
Not not in a month if I look better and am not an embarrassment to be seen around now just the way I am and if no one else can see that too bad. I do. 
He has been sleeping on the couch this last week I actually feel happier freer instead of the opposite 

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